The Way To A Man's Heart
by The-Lady-Smaell
Summary: They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In that respect Tony is screwed because he can't cook for shit and Pepper is just compounding the problem by signing him up for a charity cooking event. Luckily Bruce is on hand to help.
1. Chapter 1: You did WHAT?

Title: The Way To A Man's Heart.

Fandom: The Avengers, Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Rating: Teen and up (Because swearing)

Characters: Tony Stark. Bruce Banner. Pepper Potts. The rest of the Avengers (Background). Minor OFC's & OMC (Background).

Relationships: Bruce Banner/ Tony Stark. Tony Stark/Pepper Potts (Past). Bruce Banner & Tony Stark.

Chapter Warnings: None really except swearing.

Notes: This is my feel better about AoU fic. I needed some fluff and silliness in my life. *Shrugs*

Dedicated to ChibiYoda Trammel and Crumbling Ash for being rocks in the storm of hatred.

Chapter One: Why?

"You did WHAT!?"

Tony's face was bright red and he looked as if he was literally choking on the words he was attempting to blurt out. Pepper raised an eyebrow and smirked a little deviously, folding her arms across the chest of her crisp white business suit. It wasn't every day she managed to render her ex-boyfriend into a state of stunned silence. Honestly she deserved a goddamn medal or at least some rightful retribution for putting up with Tony's shit for so long.

"But Peeeeeepppeeeer, whhhyyyyy?" The billionaire's voice sounded exactly like a sulking two year old.

"Because you _owe_ me Tony and besides this will be really good for SI's public image."

And not at all because Pepper was a vindictive woman who enjoyed playing havoc with Tony's life because she had to get her kicks somewhere; (terrifying board members had lost it's appeal a long, _long_ time ago.) nope, not at all.

Tony grumbled under his breath and turned on his most pitiful pleading look, complete with slightly moist puppy eyes. He was _not_ going to do this he didn't _care_ what he had to bribe Pepper with; anything was better than having to do _that_.

"Pepper, please... I'm, I'm _begging_."

"Sorry Tony..."

"But Pep..."

"Nope, not listening anymore you're doing it and that's final."

"But I can't even cook!" Tony tried as last ditch attempt.

Here Pepper's grin turned feral and the billionaire was not going to admit to being a teeny tiny bit terrified by it however much the statement was. Pepper was fucking scary when she got her teeth into something, like a bulldog but much better looking. _Muuuuuuuch_ better looking but oh God she was still smiling at him and Tony could feel himself recoiling away from her in horror.

"Well then Tony..." Every word was punctuated just, so and she hadn't stopped smiling " You have two weeks, you're a genius, _learn_."

Pepper spun on her heel and stalked out of the lab with a satisfied air around her and left Tony sitting there flabbergasted. With a groan he let his head fall to the bench with a loud thunk and banged it repeatedly against it for a few moments as if that would make the situation any better.

"J, I'm screwed aren't I?"

"Irrefutably Sir." The AI replied, his tone amused.

Yup, screwed.

When Bruce walked into the lab the next morning it was to the smell of something burning and the sprinkler going off. Pulling his lab coat over his head he took a cautious step inside and tried to figure out just what the hell was going on.

"Jarvis will you turn the goddamn sprinkler off! It's barely even smoking anymore!"

"Knowing your pechant for pyromania Sir I believe I am acting prudently."

Bruce couldn't help himself and started chuckling, yup it was an average morning in Avengers Tower; Tony inadvertently blowing something up and JARVIS bitching him out for it. It still kind of surprised him how much he'd come to enjoy this particular morning ritual but there was something different about today instead of the stench of charred metal he could smell... Pancakes?

What the hell?

He inched closer taking stock of his surroundings (an ingrained habit he still hadn't been able to shake) and peered at the mess Tony had made is _his_ workspace.

Of _course_ he'd used Bruce's workspace, the physicist pinched his nose to stifle his irritation.

"Tony... What the hell is _this_?"

The billionaire jumped about a foot in the air and spun around looking a little guilty, in one hand was a welding torch and in the other was a frying pan with what looked like literally welded on pancake batter. With all the grace of a two year old Tony quickly hid the things behind his back and put on his most blinding 'Tony motherfucking Stark' grin.

"Hey there Big Guy, wasn't expecting to see you down here so early."

Bruce raised his eyebrow not buying into Tony's blatant diversionary technique and tilted his head to the side to try and peer at the items still stashed behind the other man's back.

"Tony what were you doing?" He asked in a calm, patient tone.

Tony winced a little looking for all the world like a toddler caught doing something they knew they shouldn't be and Bruce couldn't help but find it a little adorable. It wasn't the first time the billionaire had given him that kind of reaction but like usual he chose to ignore it, no good could come of it.

"Tony...?"

"I was trying to make breakfast for y'know us."

Bruce gaped despite his first reaction not to, he just couldn't help himself.

"You... cooked... breakfast? Why?" He said flabbergasted.

The billionaire smiled that hideous fake smile of his and Bruce felt his stomach twist.

"Can't a guy do something nice for his science bro? I mean it is possible for me to do nice things just for the sake of being nice or am I suddenly in some weird alternative dimension or something?"

Bruce smiled what he hoped was a placating smile.

"You're in the right dimension Tony and yes you can, and do nice things on a frequent basis. Just not generally things like this." He gestured at the mess in Tony's hands.

Tony's smile turned genuine and a little sheepish as he dropped the mangled pan onto the pristine work-top.

"Well I thought I'd try something a little different, y'know mix it up a bit."

This was not an unusual response from Tony, in fact it was one Bruce had heard on many, _many_ occasions. Today however it felt _off_ somehow like the billionaire wasn't quite telling him the whole story and the physicist hated working without all the variables. Bruce levelled his friend with a serious look.

"Tony, what aren't you telling me?"

"What makes you think I'm not telling you something?" Tony shot back, folding his arms across his chest.

Bruce sighed in fond exasperation "You're acting defensive even though I only asked a simple question and you're acting more twitchy than usual. That usually means either something is going to blow up spectacularly in our faces and it's your fault OR you're hiding something. Since I haven't heard Pepper yelling today I'm going to assume it's the latter."

The affronted look on Tony's face almost caused Bruce's steely resolve to crack but he could see the mirth sparkling in dark eyes as the billionaire replied.

"Well that is a fallacy, a complete and utter fallacy Banner. I will not have you spreading such filthy lies about me around. Also just because you haven't _heard_ Pepper yelling doesn't mean that she hasn't, that woman is a master stealth yeller don't you let her sweet innocent facade fool you, she is a harpy."

The physicist couldn't help himself he started laughing and after a few seconds Tony joined in, the destroyed breakfast items quickly forgotten. After a few minutes the two men held up his hands in an 'I surrender' gesture.

"Okay you caught me."

Bruce couldn't stop the triumphant grin if he'd tried.

"So what happened?"

"Well... "

Tony the launched into a spiel explaining the whole situation to Bruce, how Pepper had pretty much thrown Tony to the wolves (A cooking show? Honestly had Pepper gone completely off the deep end?) and that there was literally no way out that didn't involve a complete media shit-storm or Tony looking like the world's biggest asshole. Bruce was inclined to agree with him, he was utterly, utterly screwed unless he got some drastic help. He pinched the bridge of his nose, honestly wondering if he was some kind of masochist because what he was about to suggest was probably going to be worse than torture.

"Well..."

Tony paused in his rant about 'Harpy CEO's' to give Bruce a contemplative look.

"You got an idea Big Guy?"

Bruce took a deep breath. Welp, in for a penny, in for a pound.

"Well I was going to suggest that I could y'know give you a few pointers. I've done a fair bit of cooking in the past and well I think people find it easier when they have someone to show them the ropes, rather than watch some video on YouTube."

The billionaire's grin was blinding and Bruce couldn't help but feel that he'd been played slightly. He honestly wouldn't put it past Tony to manipulate him into help without actually _asking_ him for help.

"Really? I mean not that I need any help... " Bruce coughed and pointed at the destroyed pan "Okay, so maybe a teeny tiny bit of guidance... As long as it wouldn't inconvenience you too much."

Bruce rolled his eyes, yup definitely being played but he honestly couldn't find it in him to be bothered by it; especially if it meant Tony kept smiling at him like _that_.

"Whatever Stark, you can drop the act. I said I would help."

Tony laughed and swung an arm around Bruce's shoulder before dragging him further into the depths of the lab. This disaster could wait until later; right now there was science to be done.

End Chapter One.


	2. Chapter 2: First Attempts

A/N: So yeah it's been a while. Enjoy! Also why do I keep putting these guys through shit like this? ^_^

Chapter Two: First Attempts.

Later that evening Bruce was already beginning to regret his rather hasty offer. He was stood in the communal area wondering if Tony had been pulling his leg about the whole thing and feeling extremely nervous about interacting with the man outside of the lab environment.

While they had an extremely good professional friendship outside of projects Bruce had actively tried his hardest to steer clear of the other man for fear of getting overly attached. Not that that particular plan had _worked_ mind, he'd still gotten attached to the eccentric billionaire because for all his asshole tendencies Tony was actually a pretty nice guy. At least as long as you stayed on his good side, which was admittedly not an easy feat considering the man's list of neuroses and triggers.

But yeah he'd gotten attached probably way more than was healthy and he knew in his heart that when this little bubble burst leaving was going to tear him to shreds.

The elevator doors slid open and Tony strode out onto the communal floor like he owned the place (which technically he did), a fake smile plastered across his face and Bruce felt himself sigh a little. He really didn't want to be dealing with Tony Stark: media darling tonight; he wanted Tony to be just Tony. But it was a testament to how much this had thrown the billionaire if his walls had shot up faster than you could say assemble. Bruce couldn't really blame him he was pretty sure he would have reacted the same way if their roles were reversed but he had hoped that Tony would know that he, of all people, wouldn't use this against him.

He offered up a small smile as the other man swaggered over and leaned casually against the kitchen counter, Tony's mega-watt grin dimming into something a little bit more genuine.

"Sooooo are we going to get this disaster started or what?"

Bruce chuckled, disaster was a good way of putting it; he honestly couldn't see this being anything but one but he _had_ promised he'd help and when possible Bruce kept his promises.

"Yeah, I thought we'd start simple y'know gauge your skill level." The physicist teased.

Tony's face turned ever so slightly sour but he didn't voice the retort that was clearly itching to roll off his tongue even though Bruce was pretty sure it was giving Tony an aneurism to do so

"You Banner are a cruel, cruel individual, insulting my intelligence like that."

Bruce's smile widened slightly, for the billionaire that had been pretty tame and the physicist couldn't quite resist poking the bee's nest just a tad. Who knew when he'd get the opportunity again?

"Tony you are forgetting I know about the omelette thing, I am well within my right to be cruel at this point."

The sour look turned into an exaggerated pout and Bruce rolled his eyes in mock exasperation and decided that it was probably a good idea to put a stop to this behaviour before it got too out of hand. As much as the physicist wanted to tease a little more and hopefully get the other man to relax he also _really_ wanted this to be over so he could go and camp out in his room and forget this ever happened.

"Quit trying to stall Stark, you said yourself you wanted to get this over with so let's get it over with." His tone was light but stern.

Tony seemed to agree with that assessment as his posture stooped into something more comfortable but he still seemed a little tense. Bruce stepped forward, went to place a hand on Tony's shoulder, hesitated momentarily and then placed it anyway.

"Tony you need to relax, if you're tense it's just going to make it more difficult to retain the information."

The billionaire gave him a look and yeah Bruce _knew_ how hypocritical that sounded but in his defence he had a pre-existing condition so Tony could just screw off. Without giving the other man an actually chance to respond Bruce steered him toward the kitchenette and to the lesson he had prepared for the evening.

"Ah, so that's why you made the crack about the omelette."

Tony sounded amused probably at the terrible pun more than anything and the physicist seized the opportunity.

"What can I say, it was a perfect eggs-ample."

Tony groaned loudly but his shoulders were shaking with amusement and Bruce felt something warm bloom in his chest. He was so relieved that the banter that they shared in the lab could be applied to other parts of their interactions and it made him feel far more calm about the impending disaster. Tony also seemed to be more relaxed and was even genuinely smiling, a somewhat rare feat: he swept his arm with a flourish and motioned to the ingredients scattered across the kitchen top.

"So what are we starting with Doc?"

Bruce grinned cheekily " Scrambled eggs."

Tony just rolled his eyes and flipped him the bird.

Half an hour later the physicist was finding it very difficult to smoother his laughter, Tony was _hopeless_ , completely and utterly hopeless. Bruce honestly couldn't believe someone, who was supposed to be genius could be _this_ bad at cooking. So far he'd already managed to set a pan on fire and weld the scrambled eggs (if they could be called that anymore) to another.

"Brrrrrruuuce. Stop laughing at me and help."

The physicist sobered immediately, the last thing he wanted was to make Tony feel even worse about the whole sad situation. He didn't know what Pepper was playing at but they were going to be having some words because while he was all for bringing Tony down to earth from time he genuinely didn't want to see his friend get hurt.

"Okay Tony, lets try this again. You're doing fine you just need to stop panicking as soon as something starts behaving differently to what you expect."

Tony shot him an unimpressed look. "Panicking, I'm not panicking Banner. I'm fuming, this just isn't going to work."

Bruce let out a small sigh and then an idea occurred to him.

"Well perhaps I approached this all wrong." He muttered to himself.

The other man's brow furrowed and he was about to ask a question but then Bruce's hand shot out and began dragging him away from the kitchen. Tony felt his heart drop, had Bruce given up on him already? He didn't quite know why but the idea sent a foreign unpleasant sensation squirming through his chest and stomach. Frustration and hurt bubbling over Tony attempted to pull his arm out of Bruce's grip and when he couldn't he dug his heels in to stop their progress. Feeling the sudden halt to the billionaire's movements Bruce turned looking a little confused.

"Tony?" He asked quietly.

Tony couldn't quite keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"It's fine Big Guy, you don't have to help me I know this is a hopeless case and I'm pretty much the most useless... OW!"

He rubbed the sore spot on his nose where Bruce had just flicked him.

"What the hell Banner, did you just _flick_ me?"

Bruce shrugged the tiniest of smirks turning up the corners of his mouth.

"Let's face it Tony I could have done a lot worse than that."

"B-but you _flicked_ me! You don't get to flick me."

"Oh and what's that phrase you always spout at me? Learn to strut Big Guy?"

Tony's face was an absolute picture with his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open like a dying fish and Bruce couldn't quite stop the snort of laughter.

"Aaaand now you're back to laughing at me. Bruce, please."

The physicist looked sheepish "Sorry Tony, I don't often see the flabbergasted look on your face. It caught me off-guard..." Tony still didn't look impressed and Bruce hastily changed the subject "...So, do you want to hear my idea or not?"

The billionaire still looked a bit unhappy but he nodded his assent.

"Fine I'll bite Big Guy."

"Well, I think we've been looking at this all wrong."

Tony's eyebrows knitted together as he tried to comprehend exactly what Bruce was saying and the physicist continued to explain himself.

"I mean we've been thinking about this all wrong we've been looking at it as 'cooking' and that quite frankly makes you panic worse then a 14 year old virgin making out for the first time."

Bruce wasn't usually quite so crass in his analogies but for some reason he felt like pushing Tony's buttons today, showing him that he wasn't always the calm quiet individual he'd come to know.

Tony spluttered partially in indignation partially in shock and eventually started laughing.

"Okay guilty but we already knew that, what's your _point_ Banner?"

"Well maybe what we need to do is look at it like 'science' because essentially that's what cooking is; science just with food. So I'm thinking a change of venue."

Tony looked thoughtful and Bruce could see the gears turning in his mind, working through the logic and weighing up his proposal like it was a multi-million dollar business deal. After a minute he seemed to reach a decision and he smiled at Bruce.

"Makes sense really, teach me in a place I feel comfortable with terminology and with equipment I know I'm less likely to blow something up and more likely to take on board what you're saying. Good shout Bruce."

Bruce let out a breath he hadn't even been aware he was holding in, he'd honestly been a little worried that Tony would scoff at the idea and completely shoot him down. He was glad that the billionaire was open to it though otherwise things were going to get pretty desperate and a desperate Tony was not something Bruce really wanted to see.

"Onward Banner! To the Stark Cave!"

The physicist groaned and slapped a palm to face, once again regretting his decision to help.

Why did he do this to himself?

~End Chapter Two~


End file.
